雅思大作文批改實(shí)錄之個(gè)人努力有助環(huán)境保護(hù)

隨著全球化的加速和教育的多樣化，越來(lái)越多的學(xué)生選擇留學(xué)，而在申請(qǐng)國(guó)外大學(xué)時(shí)，語(yǔ)言考試是繞不開(kāi)的一環(huán)，本文和大家說(shuō)一說(shuō)：雅思大作文批改實(shí)錄之個(gè)人努力有助環(huán)境保護(hù)，一起往下來(lái)看看吧。

尾段，而是檢查，是自我批改和找他人批改，唯此寫作才可精進(jìn)。本文話題：個(gè)人努力有助環(huán)境保護(hù)

題目

Some people think that the environmental problems are too big for individuals to solve. Others, however, believe that the problems cannot be solved if individuals do not take some actions. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

學(xué)生習(xí)作

Nowadays, there is a heated debate about whether individuals should take actions to solve environmental problems. Different people hold different opinions. In the following part I will analyze these two divergent ideas in detail and give my own opinion.

Some people think that the environmental problems are too big for individuals to solve. Individuals can do nothing to improve the environment. Only government and large companies can make a difference. In contrast, others hold different opinion that each individual should take some actions otherwise the problems cannot be solved. Individual actions, small as they may be, can be rendered much more useful than we realize.

As far as Im concerned, both are not completely objective and I agree with these two in some extend. As we all know, our environment is facing a large number of problems which need to be dealt with immediately. Undoubtedly, governments and large companies should take the responsibility to solve it. What's more, some issues even need joint international effort among different boundaries. However, does this mean that individuals don't have any responsibility?Although there is huge difficulty in solving some environmental problems for individuals, I don't think it should be an excuse for taking no action.Actually, individuals can do many small but powerful things to help to improve the environment, such as garbage sorting before throw away, refusing to use disposable chopsticks and so on. Environment protect is not such a big issue that individuals can do nothing. It is very practical and it needs each person to take some actions.

To put it into a nutshell, protecting environment and solving related problems need joint effort of both governments and individuals. Everyone should be aware of its importance, be a responsible one and take some practical actions to deal with it. Only in this way can environmental problems been solved as soon as possible.

評(píng)分：6

老雅評(píng)改

本題問(wèn)：解決環(huán)境問(wèn)題，個(gè)人到底能否起作用?有人說(shuō)，個(gè)人不起作用，因?yàn)榄h(huán)保問(wèn)題太大;其他人則說(shuō)，沒(méi)有個(gè)人，環(huán)境問(wèn)題根本不可能得到解決。顯然，這里應(yīng)該將環(huán)境問(wèn)題分類，一類是需要政府乃至國(guó)際合作才能解決，比如氣候問(wèn)題，工廠排污問(wèn)題，另一類是需要個(gè)人來(lái)解決的，比如垃圾分類，少開(kāi)車等。結(jié)論當(dāng)然是，解決環(huán)境問(wèn)題，需要個(gè)人和政府一起努力。

習(xí)作圍繞題目要求，有一定邏輯連貫性，能夠用詞匯和語(yǔ)法來(lái)表達(dá)自己的思想，但整個(gè)行文廢話套話過(guò)多，寫作思維不夠規(guī)范。不少地方詞匯使用不準(zhǔn)確，語(yǔ)法有錯(cuò)誤，個(gè)別地方的錯(cuò)誤甚至影響讀者的理解。

第1段：Nowadays, there is a heated debate about whether individuals should take actions to solve environmental problems.Different people hold different opinions. In the following part I will analyze these two divergent ideas in detail and give my own opinion.

[修改] Nowadays, there is a heated debate about whether individuals should take actions to solve environmental problems. Different people hold different opinions. In the following part I will analyze these two divergent ideas in detail and give my own opinion.

[評(píng)析] 本段第一句引出話題，接下來(lái)的兩句是模板性質(zhì)的文字，沒(méi)有實(shí)質(zhì)性意義。類似這種文字，看起來(lái)好像都正確，但與本話題沒(méi)有直接聯(lián)系，必須在雅思考試中消失，否則，一旦作文被認(rèn)定為模板，分?jǐn)?shù)就會(huì)慘不忍睹了!

第2段：Some people think that the environmental problems are too big for individuals to solve. Individuals can do nothing to improve the environment. Only government and large companies can make a difference. In contrast, others hold different opinion that each individual should take some actions otherwise the problems cannot be solved. Individual actions, small as they may be, can be rendered much more useful than we realize.

[修改] Some people claim that the environmental problems are so big that individuals can do nothing to improve the environment and only governments and large companies can make a difference. However, others hold the opposite opinion that individual actions, small as they may be, are also crucial to improve the environment, so each individual should take some actions. otherwise, the problems cannot be solved.

[評(píng)析]本段才開(kāi)始陳述題目觀點(diǎn)。從語(yǔ)言上看，習(xí)作錯(cuò)誤雖然不多，但是很多完全可以合并的句子被硬生生地分拆。寫到該生的程度，下一步應(yīng)該考慮練習(xí)如何用語(yǔ)言來(lái)把有關(guān)聯(lián)的思想串起來(lái)了!從規(guī)范上講，第1段和第2段應(yīng)該合并，而且第1段中的那些無(wú)聊的模板語(yǔ)言應(yīng)該刪除。這樣，本作文的第1段就應(yīng)該是這樣的：

Nowadays, there is a heated debate about whether individuals should take actions to solve environmental problems. Some people claim that the environmental problems are so big that individuals can do nothing to improve the environment and only governments and large companies can make a difference. However, others hold the opposite opinion that individual actions, small as they may be, are also crucial to improve the environment, so each individual should take some actions. otherwise, the problems cannot be solved.

第3段：As far as Im concerned, both are not completely objective and I agree with these two in some extend. As we all know, our environment is facing a large number of problems which need to be dealt with immediately. Undoubtedly, governments and large companies should take the responsibility to solve it. What's more, some issues even need joint international effort among different boundaries. However, does this mean that individuals don't have any responsibility?Although there is huge difficulty in solving some environmental problems for individuals, I don't think it should be an excuse for taking no action.Actually, individuals can do many small but powerful things to help to improve the environment, such as garbage sorting before throw away, refusing to use disposable chopsticks and so on. Environment protect is not such a big issue that individuals can do nothing. It is very practical and it needs each person to take some actions.

[修改]As we all know, there are some environmental problems which are indeed too big for individuals to solve. For example,in face of climate change such as global warming, individuals can do little to fight against it and only the governments have the ability to deal with it. Whats more, to solve some environmental issues even need international corporations. If mass water pollution is caused by oil spill in Pacific, it will be urgent for different countries to make joint effort to clean it. In this case, individuals have neither the professional skills nor the power to confront it. Although it is very difficult for individuals to solve those big environmental problems, individuals still can take some actions to make a difference. Actually, individuals can do many small but powerful things to help to improve the environment, such as garbage sorting before throwing away, refusing to use disposable chopsticks and so on. Environment protection is not such a big issue that individuals can do nothing. It is very practical and needs each person to participate.

[評(píng)析]本段先談?dòng)行┉h(huán)境問(wèn)題是個(gè)人無(wú)法解決的，然后談個(gè)人努力能夠解決哪些環(huán)境問(wèn)題。從雅思作文的規(guī)范來(lái)講，理應(yīng)分兩段分別論述(放在一起也可以，但這段就會(huì)顯得過(guò)長(zhǎng))。老雅修改時(shí)，還是按照雅思的基本結(jié)構(gòu)規(guī)范，將本段一分為二。(1)習(xí)作在講個(gè)人能對(duì)環(huán)境做什么的時(shí)候，尚可以舉出一些實(shí)際的例子，但在討論只有政府和國(guó)際合作才能解決的環(huán)境問(wèn)題時(shí)，完全務(wù)虛，顯得很空洞(這里，就要考驗(yàn)烤鴨們的知識(shí)面了!)，但實(shí)際上好好想想，這類例子也著實(shí)不少，比如全球變暖的問(wèn)題，比如石油泄漏的問(wèn)題，這些都不是我們個(gè)人能夠去解決的，需要政府和國(guó)際合作才能解決。(2)本段與第1段一樣，有很多套話廢話，應(yīng)該刪除。

第4段：To put it into a nutshell, protecting environment and solving related problems need joint effort of both governments and individuals. Everyone should be aware of its importance, be a responsible one and take some practical actions to deal with it. Only in this way can environmental problems been solved as soon as possible.

[修改]To put it into a nutshell, solving environmental problems need joint effort of both governments and individuals. Everyone should be aware of its importance, be a responsible one and take practical actions. Only in this way can environmental problems been solved effectively.

[評(píng)析] 本段結(jié)尾段，總結(jié)了前文的討論并提出了自己的想法。

修改后全文

Nowadays, there is a heated debate about whether individuals should take actions to solve environmental problems. Some people claim that the environmental problems are so big that individuals can do nothing to improve the environment and only governments and large companies can make a difference. However, others hold the opposite opinion that individual actions, small as they may be, are also crucial to improve the environment, so each individual should take some actions. otherwise, the problems cannot be solved.

As we all know, there are some environmental problems which are indeed too big for individuals to solve. For example, in face of climate change such as global warming, individuals can do little to fight against it and only the governments have the ability to deal with it. Whats more, to solve some environmental issues even need international corporations. If mass water pollution is caused by oil spill in Pacific, it will be urgent for different countries to make joint effort to clean it. In this case, individuals have neither the professional skills nor the power to confront it.

Although it is very difficult for individuals to solve those big environmental problems, individuals still can take some actions to make a difference. Actually, individuals can do many small but powerful things to help to improve the environment, such as garbage sorting before throwing away, refusing to use disposable chopsticks and so on. Environment protection is not such a big issue that individuals can do nothing. It is very practical and needs each person to participate.

To put it into a nutshell, solving environmental problems need joint effort of both governments and individuals. Everyone should be aware of its importance, be a responsible one and take practical actions. Only in this way can environmental problems been solved effectively.

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